The wedding I talked about earlier in the blog actually took place this weekend. I didn't think it would. I honestly put off having my dress altered or making child care arrangements because I sincerely believed they would come to their senses and not go through with the wedding. I was wrong.

As I am very emotionally drained and tired from this whole debacle, I will give you the highlights (or whatever you'd call them):

FRIDAY:
- We arrive in time for the rehearsal dinner, busting balls to get up the hill (mountain) for the event. When we arrive, no one is there. Call Groom. Groom says he's pissed everyone off and there is no rehearsal dinner now.

- Seems the Groom pushed more prenup stuff and made the Bride mad, prompting a screaming match at the actual rehearsal that we missed. Seems the rehearsal took from 1:30-3:15.

- HDH and I take baby and go to eat at an Italian place back in town. The baby wrecks the table and everything around it. I downed two glasses of red wine, quickly.

- Arrive back at the Lodge, put baby to sleep and meet Groom and other wedding party people (no bride) at the bar for drinks. Groom is wearing 70's regalia and has full on Afro for fun. It is funny. Until Groom gets beligerant and turns into a very drunk Groom in Afro, insulting his entire wedding party and announcing as this is his 4th marriage, he "definitely should have married that other girl" because their baby "isn't his anyway".

- HDH rolls into bed about midnight, pissed at whatever insults the Groom was throwing at him and other groomsman, exclaiming, "That is the reason why you don't give Indians firewater!" (as Groom is part Indian from Alaska)

- Groom comes to our room at 3:30 and proceeds to yell into the bedroom window, "HDH! OPEN UP THE DOOR! I GOTTA PISS REAL BAD, MAN!!". He could not find his room. I see an image of drunk man in his afro heading to my bathroom, proceeds to go for about 1 m. 30 secs, all the while saying, "Oh God. Oh yes. Mother fuck!! Right there ... " and repeat. Comes out of bathroom and instead of going to where HDH is not-so-patiently-waiting in living room, walks into the room where I am, into closet and proceeds to talk to HDH in there.

- Groom has now fallen asleep on our hideaway couch, hasn't woken the baby, which is about the only good thing I can say of a night when I got roughly 3 hours of sleep.

SATURDAY:

- We go to a nearby town for breakfast. We run into Groom's stepdad and other groomsman. Have a nice breakfast, lamenting about the previous night and how maybe, just maybe, this isn't a good idea at all.

- Get phone call at 11 that morning from the Bride, yelling at me for not calling Matron-of-Honor (as I'm the other bridesmaid, and I still don't know why - I don't know her at all) this morning to help decorate. My answer? I don't KNOW the matron-of-honor, have no name, no phone number, and NO IDEA they needed help.

- Return to lodge and meet up with a very nice MOH and her husband, who say they didn't really need the help. They had to decorate a fence with white tulle. MOH's husband remarks, "It looks like toilet paper. And with the wind picking up, it looks like ass. I'm taking it down" and does.

- Somewhere between 12-2:00, I get ready, manage to send MOH to get ready and help the Bride get ready. Her mother isn't watching the little baby. The daughter from previous relationship and friend are playing in other room. Tell Bride to get into dress. Not listening. Wedding starts at 2:30. She starts getting ready at 2:27. I ask her if she's ready, she says, "Eh. Not really". In regards to MARRYING HIM.

- I stick my finger with a safety pin and tell her I can't get her dress on until it stops bleeding or someone else helps me out. MOH shows up in time, helps me with this, and I do think I got blood on her dress while she was screaming at me.

- Bride wants veil in a certain way. Screams at me for not putting it in right. I tell Bride to stop yelling at those of us trying to help her out.

- Bride remembers then she has to pee. So I take off her underwear and get her to the bathroom. She just leaves them off.

- Apparently, directions were printed out wrong, so no one is showing up for the wedding (which is late starting anyway). There is also an accident on the major interstate, so the service is postponed for another hour maybe? I don't know. I lost track of time.

- Meanwhile, HDH is keeping our 19-mth-old son entertained somehow. God bless him.

- Wedding finally goes off. I'm holding my son and he's picking the flowers and feathers out of my bouquet. The best man's cell phone goes off during vows.

- Daughter from previous relationship turns to me mid-service and announces she is going to throw-up. Turns out, no one fed her lunch, so she's sick to her stomach. I give her crackers and she perks back up.

- HDH didn't get the shoes with his tux or the right color pocket square, so is wearing sandals with black socks.

- Everyone is supposed to put rocks in a bowl of water, letting the love into the rocks and letting them ripple in the bowl. Someone asks if they can just throw the rocks at the Groom instead.

- The plan after the wedding was to get into a van, go farther up into the mountains, hike through some nasty trails, up and over boulders, for better photos. Thankfully, this didn't happen.

- Reception was nice. Lots of peacock feathers and lavender roses. Someone starts the head table's tablecloth on fire.

- There's a very cool red fox that almost comes into the reception.

- Groom hears I took off his wife's underwear before wedding and asks if I saw anything, like "the hot style job" he did a few night's before. I told him I didn't, and he should grow up. He says, "Too bad. That would have been HOOOOOOOOOOOOT".

- We go home at 8. We get a 10:30 window knock from Groom who wants his wig and glasses back. Says to HDH, "Dude! Come out and play!". HDH says, "Aren't you supposed to be WITH YOUR WIFE on your wedding night?".

SUNDAY:

- We pack our asses up and get the hell away from it all. We get down before the first major snowstorm of the year hits. There are jams all along the interstate.

THE END