From one of my favorite character's on TV (Dr. Perry Cox, Scrubs):

"Lady, people aren't chocolates. But you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive, bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine."

Between HDH and myself (feel the love, FEEL IT!):

I went to bed the other night at 10:30, very tired and hardly awake. I was asleep a good hour before HDHusband came in. He was talking and talking about God-only-know-what, and I was trying to stay in this nice sleep I was in.

He then climbs into bed, and we have the following exchange:

HDH: This book was AWESOME!! I mean, just AWESOME. It was the best book I've read in a long, long time ......

HDW: Will you still like that book when I shove it up your ass?

Last night at the neighbor's house:

BullemicNeighbor to another neighbor and myself: And so I said to myself, "You can't buy the Glade brand candles, because ... they're GLADE after all!"

Every year, HDH's sister outdoes herself on the Christmas Cheer. While everyone else sort of does Christmas in moderation(-ish), she takes it to a whole other level. Other than their house outdoing Clark Griswold's by about one million times over, she is a serious shop-a-holic. We send off a few gifts for everyone; she sends a box fit to fit a Kenmore Washer in full of presents, jam packed in.

When HDH and I started dating, she asked me what I collected. I made the (very bad) mistake of mentioning I collected angels way back when (like 10 plus years ago, but didn't have any recent additions). So, now instead of shit I could use (new perfume, a scarf, a nice bracelet, books!), I get angels. This year, I got five more Christmas angels, an angel pin, a snowman angel, more angel ornaments. I got nothing but - angels.

As annoying as the Onslaught o'Angels are (and I will be telling her I want something else from now on), HDH gets the raw end of the deal. This ornament (of '03) combines both of the biggest deals in HDH's life: work (doctor) and his fish tank. Observe.

Although, I'm quite sure nothing the world will ever top the FishDoctor ornament, this year he did get something else 'special'. And by special, I mean (and I quote HDH here): "Oh look. It says Made in China. So it's crap. And look, it's from my sister. So, by definition, SHIT!"

I give you the fish salt and pepper shakers, sure NOT to be on our table anytime soon. EBAY, anyone?

One other notable quotes from the gift giving experience:

HDH to me, regarding my wrapping skills: "Is this from you? ..... Yup. It must be. It's not wrapped nice." (told you!)

I managed not to eat yesterday. I was running around like a crazy woman and didn't eat like I should have (or at all, quite possibly). So, by 7:00 pm (in time for the caroling party next door - woo woo), I had a raging headache and was turning into the Grinch. It was a dessert/caroling party; I had a glass of wine, continued to scowl, got yelled at for touching the red balls hanging from the ceiling ("Do not touch them EVER AGAIN!"), we decided we go home and actually have dinner.

HDH is an excellent cook. He made a great arugala and endive salad with carmelized walnuts and pears, as well as a steak with "spicy seasoning". By the time he sat down to eat his salad, mine was gone. I moved on to the baguette, then to the steak. I believe HDH was still on the salad.

I noted that my headache was gone. He noted that had this been the first date, there likely wouldn't have been a second (actually, I said that - he just stared at me in awe). I hadn't eaten that much or that fast or with this much gusto since carrying around a 9 lb child in my tummy.

I'd also like to point out that we've opened 'some' presents tonight. HDToddler wouldn't open a thing, stood in the corner and screamed. Once we coaxed him out with a gift from my grandma (a great "choo-choo" with lots of noises), HDT decided it was okay after all. After we made only a dent in the gifts, HDT slipped out of HDH's lap and hit the marble end table.

Marble End Table: 1
HDT: 0

HDT is now walking around, pointing to his bloodied lip saying, "No. BOO-BOO!" The kid can garner symapthy, what can I say.

I've been heading down Memory Lane today thinking of Christmas' of all those years ago. Some of the highlights (or not?) I've been laughing and tearing up over:

~ The year my little brother (then 3, maybe??) wanted a combine, desperately, from Santa. Mom had hidden a tape recorder under the tree to catch his excitement. You hear my dutiful, "Just what I wanted ... a ....", then my brother's little feet running down the hall, followed by, "BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE! My BIIIIIIIIIINE!!". I think he stopped being cute there.

~ The year my brother gave us all paper he had painstakingly colored all black, telling us "They are tunnels, and you are inside one". He would also go around and steal pens, scissors, tape and other office supplies to stuff our stockings with. He is cheap, still.

~ The year my dad made my brother buy us all something, and not re-gift the scissors. He gave me a bottle of City Girl perfume (with glitter), a California Raisn key chain and a Men at Word tape from the 1/2 bin. (he said later he thought for sure it was the soundtrack from the movie)

~ Santa would visit us every year and we'd always find bells on the front porch. We didn't have a big enough fireplace, so they convinced us Santa had to walk in our front door.

~ Instead of leaving cookies, we'd leave feed for the reindeer. And every Christmas morning we'd wake up and see most of it gone, some spilled on the floor, complete with, "My reindeer were so hungry! Thank you for remembering them".

~ The last Christmas with my dad. We drove to Denver, had a nice dinner, and he bought me a new velvet dress for a first date I had the next month.

~ The first Christmas without my dad. We (mom, my brother, myself) flew to the Cayman Islands to be somewhere he never was, according to my mother. My brother (then 14) went snorkeling, a wave tossed him onto some rocks and cut him up really badly. Next thing I remember is a bleeding, skinny kid coming through the hotel saying, "HDW, mom is coming to kick my ass". Followed by a night of hearing my brother whapping it (eeeeeeeew) in the bed next to us. Traumatized by that, I am.

It's been fun thinking back -- on most of it, anyway. I could do without my brother's dirty little deeds, though.

Regardless - hope everyone has a great Christmas Eve and Christmas Day!! Be safe, wherever you be.

It's too early for this kind of conversation.

I dropped my son off at the babysitter's this morning. I mentioned HDH and I were considering going for a few hours to a party on New Year's Eve. Beings that we are old and boring now, we wouldn't be able to stay up very late anyway (such an exciting life we lead). She volunteered to watch HDToddler if we'd like.

Me: I'm not sure I really want to go to the party.
Her: You know, I don't go out on New Year's Eve. That's just 'amateur night'.
Me: It really is.
Her: My first job was at an auto body shop. It was the busiest night of the year! I was pulling out the radio and such out of a car in the back of the shop the day after, and I found something.
Me: silence
Her: I found something.
Me: silence
Her: I found half of a FOOT.
Me: PUKING SOUNDS (causing all the children at the breakfast table to look at me in horror and digust)
Her: So I decided from then on out, I'd just stay home on New Year's Eve.
Me: You know, I think we'll stay in, too. We have to get up early the next day to drive east anyway ...

Appetite.

GONE.

A Few Things I Am Good At (or relatively so):

~ I make a mean grilled cheese and darn good meatloaf (Comfort Foods 101)
~ Growing roses from bareroot
~ Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, sending thank you cards, etc
~ Most domestic things (I despise cleaning bathrooms, but whatever)

Things I Am Not Good At:

~ Wrapping Christmas presents.

Damn. I think a seven-year-old drunk on egg nog could do better than me. It's an assassination over here. I always say, "No, I'll do it" to the sweet checker who offers after I have my Christmas purchases in hand. Next year? Forget it!! They can do it all.

I mean, seriously.

I'm checking out at Target (complete with new coffee press ... f*()*#@$ hell) and a girl (16-18?) comes up behind me. As my checker is taking his sweet, sweet time checking out my four things, I notice her items: gum and a pregnancy test.

When the checker starts in on her stuff, I'm gathering mine up and I hear him say, "Your total is such-and-such. Do you want a bag?"

Um, HUH!?!?

Yes, she'd like a bag. And she's also likely like getting the hell OUT of the store, finding out, and getting on with life.

Dumbass.

Someone in Chile googled "castrate my husband" ... and landed my site.

Holy fuckstick, Batman.

According to Salary.com, as a stay-at-home mom, I should be making $131,471 ... which includes $88,009 for overtime. This is based on a 100-hour workweek.

And to those who think this isn't a real job?

Suck my ass.

Friday night: Watched "Cinderella Man" courtesy Netflix with HDH. Discovered HDH ate my secret ice cream stash and berated him the rest of the movie. Ass.

Saturday: HDH saw the cover of the new People Magazine that says something about Brad Pitt wanting to adopt Jolie's kids. He says, "That doesn't surprise me. He's not the one with the dick in that relationship". We intended on eating out at nice place. Asked friends to join us. One couldn't get off work in time, so we found another place. They called back and suggested another place affiliated with the new aquarium in town. Last time that happens. HDH got sick yesterday from something he ate there. (But, I had some wine and martini - you could given me a box of hair and I would have been happy)

Sunday: Hosted a party for interviewing residents here. Temporary coordinator (now gone) gave some the wrong time, so three showed up a half an hour after the party was over and as we were getting ready to leave for another party. One had to run after the taxi. Felt bad. Then we attended the annual Christmas party for the department. They've downgraded it from a big bash at a local historic hotel to a very modest party at convention site (and by that, I mean a room at an Athletic Club - bah). They've switched bands and although these folks are better, there's just not as much energy in the room. Four or five of the tables were open last night and not all the tables were full. Apparently, it cost $100 a couple. I'm not sure for what. I spent the better part of the evening bantering with HDH's colleague about the validity of this (we both agreed not) as the buffet was "modest at best". I danced with the Dept. Chairman to "Hot, Hot, Hot" ... and we were the only ones out there. The band let a 2 minute drum solo go and we just had nothing to do but keep pretending there was SOME beat to dance to.

And then we old people came home. HDH is feeling a bit better and I have a cold. HDToddler is gearing up for another day of kicking my ass. I see it in his little Toddler eyes.

Woke up this morning to some beautiful snow! And notice the tree on the left. Our friend came over earlier this year and whacked the crap out of it - said someone could hide under that tree, jump out and molest us. Instead, all the was molested was this poor tree. My little neighbor girl announced, "Why isn't your tree wearing any underpants??". I rest my case.

Regardless, some beautiful Colorado (SWEATER WEATHER) snow!

My dad's friend (blogged about him months ago) died yesterday. Oddly enough, when I got in the car this morning, this son was on the radio. And for me, it's fitting.

Long December (Counting Crows)

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'
Now the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should

Recently, someone commented to HDH about our age difference.

HDH: They said I robbed the cradle. I told them I did no such thing. I just parked my bike next to your crib, peed on it and marked my territory. Big difference, really.