Some sneaky little Banditos have been breaking into houses in our neighborhood again.


Almost two years ago - on a quiet Friday afternoon about 4:30pm - my little six-week-old baby was sleeping, and I was finishing up an email to a friend. The doorbell rang ... not once, but three times. I got up and walked around to see who it was. It was a Hispanic guy, not very tall, looking shady.

Now, at our front door, they can see in and you can see them. If he didn't see me standing there, he was (and is, from what we gather) a fucking moron.

I didn't answer the door because:
a: I'm not going to answer the damn door to someone I don't know
b: I was six-week post-partum (tired, cranky, sore)
c: He saw I was home, and whatever the fuck he was selling, I didn't want

About 30 minutes later, I'm in the kitchen, finishing up yet another load of dishes, and I hear the alarm go off. Not the house alarm, but the little chirp alarm that lets you know a window or door is opening.

That would be MY BASEMENT WINDOW DOOR for 200, Alex.

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!

So, I do what any rational (read: irrational post-partum raging) woman would do. I grabbed the phone and ran to the stairs.

I had a choice. I could either run upstairs and get my son, lock ourselves in a room, and pray to God. Or I could meet the fucking Mexican Bandito at the stairs and unleash holy hell on him.

I opted for B.

While I am on the phone with the 911 operator, I can hear him walking through the basement. As he turns to go up the stairs, I start screaming at him. If I'm placing bets on who of the two of us soiled themselves, I'd go with him. He turned tail and ran back to the window he broke in through (he had spent that 30 minutes hammering away at the window with a rock - fucker).

I let loose a torrid of "F-Bomb's" and "you better hope that fucking hurt's" (as he stuck his hand in a pile of glass).

He then got away on his bike. HIS BIKE. He rode away like nothing happened. Never caught, but as HDH tells everyone, he probably went back to the his little barrio down the street and told them some Crazy White Woman lives in that house.

Fast forward to this week:

A neighbor three houses down had a break-in at 11:00 yesterday morning. They kicked in the door to the garage and were likely scared off by the dogs (read: standard poodles - um ...?).

Now, another neighbor (same street, block down) steps forward and says she was broken into two weeks ago (thanks for telling everyone sooner!!). They didn't have their alarm set. Everything of value was taken, but the dog (who was home at the time) wasn't hurt.

PEOPLE.

Lock your doors, set your alarm.

If someone rings your bell and you don't know them, make yourself known but do NOT answer the door.

Leave lights on. Light the outside of your home well. Leave a TV on.

(PS. I don't recommend running after the Bandito and yelling curse words at him. Some people say I did the right thing, others say I didn't. Nevertheless, I arm our alarms all day now, have pepper spray, and report anyone that looks suspicious ... little fuckers!!)