I grew up in a very, very fundamentally Protestant home. Very straight-laced. The prayers were said with "Thy, Thou, Thee". We were either at the church or volunteering for something church-related. And this was fine. Great basis for faith and morals and values. I honestly still carry a lot of that part of my life with me.

But ...

My mom kept the reigns tight on what music we could listen to ("HDW, you realize Twisted Sister speaks in the Devil's tongue?"), what those songs actually meant ("HDW, you DO realize that THIS SONG is about a man pushing his penis into a woman's vagina??" - said in front of most of my junior high girlfriends, I was mortified), to what shows we could watch ("HDW, you do realize that Doogie Howser is the decline of children's television?").

When I hit puberty, you can imagine how little I wanted to talk to my mom about anything to do with sex. My mom insisted we have open dialogue about sex. But "open dialogue" meant her her sitting next to me on my bed, forcing me to ask questions and I started to cry. She was the last person I wanted to ask, I didn't want to know what happened, I just wanted to turn on my Debbie Gibson album and forget about it all.

Hence, The Workbook appeared on my bed after school with a note telling me to fill it all out. Hell. No. I remember thinking even then she'd snoop through it all.

The Workbook was on Adolescence by Dr. James Dobson. I still have this workbook, and after looking for it, discovered it over the weekend. Apparently, my biggest fear at this time in my life wasn't anything more than getting naked in the group showers in Junior High after gym class. (I apparently got over this fear, as I spent the early part of my 20's without my shirt on, flashing cameras . Here's to that political career I'll never have!)

Fast forward to the shower before my wedding. I got all sorts of lingerie with the advice of, "I bet it'll look GREAT on the floor!! Yuk, yuk!!". By this time, the V-CARD had long been gone and I had a bit of experience under my belt. My mom knew this. In fact, when she found that part out, she threatened to throw away every Bible in the house. In other words, not such a good reaction.

My mom gave me a gift at my wedding shower. She said two things about the gift, both which were serious warnings of what was about to land in my possession. First, she had seen this on PBS and was impressed. Secondly, it had certainly helped her out.

I present you with:

(drumroll)

CLICK TO VIEW THE VIDEO AND IT IS SAFE FOR WORK!

Yeah, not so much. She walks around on a stage, lecturing folks on sex. I think I still have it somewhere ... it has bite marks in it, though.

But that's another story.