This is a riveting post about my birth control. I forewarn any guy who isn't all that interested in said topic to go ahead and move along now. And for those that are man enough to read it, you'll learn a bit more about what we women go through in order not to have your stinking babies all the time:

I used to be on The Pill. This was when I remembered things. After having my son, I was so sleep-deprived (up every two hours feeding him or nursing him back from another ear infection - for months and months) and worn out, that I could not remember to take a single pill every day at about the same time. It was too much for me.

I went to my OB/GYN and asked for a change. She recommended The Patch. I would apply it to a fatty part of my body (not hard to find) and apply it every week until it was time to, you know, BLEED. This was working out for the most part, except I would get these wicked headaches and be sick for at least three days of starting or ending the stupid thing. I was going to be a trooper, though, and use it to avoid remembering every fucking day.

The Patch stuck to my clothes. It crinkled up on me in the shower. I couldn't fake tan or I'd have a white squared spot on my ass. By the end of the week, they were blue or linty from whatever I wore that week. And the headaches. Did I mention the headaches that started at the base of my neck and traveled up behind my eye, that no Advil or anything of the sort could make better?

Finally, I changed it up again. My OB recommended The Ring this go round. Now, when she was telling me about it, I was immediately sold. Far, far less estrogen then the other two, especially the HeadacheInducingPatchFromHell. I only had to do it once a month, and I didn't have it showing on my ass. I would have a much less dose of estrogen (11 to 40 something), but would have to do a bit more in order to make The Ring work.

Which brings me to this past Sunday.

I got The Ring from the pharmacy, came home, and told HDHusband I was going upstairs to figure this shit out. I looked at the directions - and lo and behold - there were pictures to go along with. I felt like I was 12 again trying to use the damn tampon. Do you want to lay down? Stand up with a leg on a chair? Squat? So many choices.

I will tell you I tried them all.

And I will tell you that sticking a strange thing in your hoo-hoo is a bit odd. When I asked my provider if it was easy to do, she said, "Sure, if you know ... yourself well". How many of us just stick fingers up there for fun? Poke around and say, "Oh, nifty! My Cervix!". Maybe YOU, but not me.

So I futzed around for about 30 minutes trying to make sure it was right. I would take it out, try it again. I finally gave up and figured if it wasn't right, the shit would slip out sometime while I was standing in line at Albertson's waiting to pay for my groceries. I have that sort of luck.

I came out of the bedroom and stood in the loft, looking down at my husband, totally naked.

HDH: Uh, did you get it to work?
HDW: I'm not sure.
HDH: You're not sure?
HDW: Um, no. You have to stand on your head and bark like a damn dog to make this shit work.
HDH: Oh.
HDW: So really, if I did this and that, then the cervix should be right here right? (using my hands to try and describe what I did)
HDH: Yah. Do you want me to look?
HDW: FUCK NO!!! ..... but I do feel like singing a song. "Getting to know meeeeeeeee, getting to know all about meeeeeeeeeee".

And I walked off, with HDH shaking his head.

So, The Ring sits and hasn't moved yet, or that I know of. I have no idea of you can feel it during sex. I don't want to stick my finger back up there to find out.

If anybody out there has or is using it, I'd love to hear about it. Truly.