It came to my attention recently that the last real boyfriend I had (before HDHusband came into the picture) is getting married this month. This will be Wife #3. Or at least, that's the last count I knew of ... After I picked myself up off the floor from laughing my fucking ASS OFF, I thought about the conversation we had on the night he broke up with me.

Oh, and that would have been ON MY BIRTHDAY at dinner downtown.

We had a nice dinner. Nothing out of the ordinary. And then came the, "We need to talk ..." bit. Now, I will say I was really ready to end the relationship with him. I didn't know how to go about doing so, so it really chapped my ass that he got to it first.

He tells me there are a few things he doesn't like about me, and these things he "just can't live with":

1. I'm not skinny enough (I was 5'6", 135 lbs, maybe)
2. I didn't know enough important people in town
3. I didn't 'network'

Hmmm.

This coming from the guy who had bounced around as a construction worker to some 'management position' (coughliarcough) at a local company. He wouldn't know networking if it bit him in the ass and gave him a courtesy reach around.

So I sat, silent, and listened to him as he spewed forth all of this mumbo-jumbo. And then ... then he gave me my birthday present. A watch. He said, "HDW, don't give it back. I want you to keep it. I picked it out for you." ... to which I replied (as I got my coat), "Oh, I will. Because I want to remember what it's like to WASTE TIME!". Got up, left Mr. Networking to pick up the check, took a taxi, went home.

A year goes by. I'm planning my wedding to HDH and clearing out an old email account. There's a familiar name in my Inbox. Hmm! Seems Mr. N had moved to California to be with a woman he was nailing while we were together, and she had kicked his ass out because ... he didn't know enough important people. HA! I was truly crying, laughing. Karma can be SUCH a bitch. He also informed me he had 'found Jesus'. Funny. I didn't know he was lost.

I heard through the grapevine that he eventually got saucy at a bar in CA, nailed an ex porn star, got her prego with twins, and had to move back to town to get family support. I saw him once when he moved back to town. He had started peddling HAIR PRODUCTS to various upscale salons in town. I happened to be sitting in a chair in one salon, with foil in my hair, and no makeup on. You know, we women tend to imagine those reunions with us looking, well, not like we're trying to received some alien communication. Whatever. He didn't see me, and I made fun of him some more with my hairdresser. Tool.

After our break-up, he called me once to tell me he was sorry he broke my heart. Ah, poor shitforbrains! He didn't break my heart. I told him he just 'offended my dignity'. I wonder if he knew what those big words meant??

So, good luck on Marriage #3. I wish you well, I wish you far.