For your ease in reading the following will denote the different authors:

fyrchk
Laurie
Dark Damian
FreshAirLover


Previously on Green Apple Martini's:
Once upon a time in a land far, far away (Arizona) there lived a girl named Laurie-locks who also went by the name Captain New Booty Mean Ass and she...

.....and she was so fucking cute, it was amazing. She skipped her way down Blackbeard Lane with her basket of beer and her little red cape on.

She was going to see her much loved friend, HotDrWife.

*clank clank*

Damn beers.

She was a little out of breath so she slowed to a walk.

"Fuck this skipping shit," she said, wiping her cute brow.

"What a pretty street!" she thought. "It would be so much prettier though if there were a pink flamingo or 12 in a yard. Or maybe even a toilet with some pretty petunias growing out of that bitch! The things I would do if I lived here!" she said to herself, as her breathing grew labored and the sweat poured off her face.

Ah!!! Here it is!! 212249 Blackbeard Lane!!!!

"GAT DAYUM!" she screamed. "What a damn HOUSE!!!"

She tiptoed (read: stumbled) up the stairs, took her copy key outta her fanny pack, and let herself into the MANSION!

What is this??????? Dark Damian???? In the bathtub???? Wearing a FLOWERED SHOWER CAP??? With BUBBLES??? And CANDLES lit??? AND JASMINE VANILLA SUGAR SCRUB ON HIS ELBOWS???? ONE ASHY ASS LEG IN THE AIR WITH A LOOFAH IN HIS HAND???

With TEARS streaming down his face........???????

His iPod was jammin' and I could hear Toni Braxton's "Unbreak My Heart" from the doorway.

fyrchk edit:
Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears awaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnndddddd
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

It was then that I...

OK, stop right there. Seriously, stop. Stop the madness, the lies, the complete and utter falsehoods, and let the truth come out. FACT: I do NOT use jasmine vanilla sugar scrub in the tub. That is a LIE, and the TRUTH will come out, and out it shall come!

I use Boscia Jujube Rejuvenist Whipped Body Crème. Recognize.

Unbreak my hhhhhhhheeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrttttttttt
Say you'll love me aaaaaagggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnn *SOB*
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life *snort, sniffle*
Uncry these tears
I cried so many nights
Unbreak my heart
My hhhhhhhheeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrtttttt *uncontrollable sobbing and snorting*

That sugar scrub is for the ashy of elbow, and for the one whose skin is like the Swamp Thing. Gotta keep it right and tight. So ANYWAY, on with the real story.

As I sat in the tub, relaxing and listening to a little music, I closed my eyes and sang along – until BAM! The bathroom door came FLYING in, missing me by inches due to my superior Matrix-like maneuvers. As the splinters of the door fell to the ground, I looked over to see who or what was the cause of all this, and to see which muhfucka would be replacing my precious 30GB ipod. To my surprise, it was none other than…

CAPTAIN NEW BOOTY MEAN ASS!

I mean, Laurie. Yeah. She still had her right leg up in the air, purple crocs in full effect. No sword, though, which was depressing. Instead, she carried an Ikea catalog and a rolled-up Jet magazine. I screamed – but it was a fucking manly scream, ok? She pointed her Jet at me menacingly, and said "WHERE IS HOT DOCTOR'S WIFE?" I was stunned, because I was also looking for her. In fact, I was in the tub soaking because I was upset that I couldn't find her. I didn't back down, though. Not the kid. I looked her square in the eye, lifted my chin, wiped some Rejuvenist off my brow, and I said…

Playing hauntingly from the discarded iPod:

Take back that sad word goodbye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss the pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside meeeeeee

Damian hears it and starts to well up again......