I love watching NFL football. I have watched it since I was a little girl. When football season is over, it's a bit depressing. I actually have to find things to do on Sunday afternoon's. I love firing up some chili, sitting on the couch, watching football.

This year has been different.

This year, HotDoctorHusband joined a Fantasty Football league. Seemed innocent enough in the beginning, you see. He and some guys from work piled into our basement many months ago, little dorky spreadsheets and laptops and phones in hand (all Jerry McGuire-ish) and spent HOURS down there bickering over kickers, quarterbacks, rules and what not.

HDH has spent countless hours of all days of the week "checking scores". All he does is "check scores".

"HDW, I'll be up there in a minute - but I have to check my score. The Smirker is beating me and I won't fucking have that shit!".

They've started calling one of the other players "The Smirker". They honestly do rounds of trash talking on the internet all week long. My favorite was, "I need a morning after pill after the screwing you guys gave me in the draft".

But back to The Smriker: he is winning, kicking their asses in fantasy football and taking names later. This just pisses my husband off to no end.

And not in the "It's just a FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE AND NOT REAL" kind of way. OH NO! It's almost a level of anger of The Smirker showed up at our home and pipebombed the hell of it. And even then, I don't think he'd get a signficant response unless he said, "You should have played Romo and you suck, HDH!!".

Yesterday (after putting it off for a while and then needing it done before a reception at our house last night), we decorated the Christmas tree. It was early enough in the morning, so I figured I was safe in assuming HDH would be available to help. Oh no, how SILLY OF ME! He'd throw on a few ornaments, say, "Oh, this is my favorite time of year!", and in a cloud of dust, he'd be gone. You'd find him in front of the television, with his laptop, bitching about how such and such a guy should have been played, and why the hell did so and so miss that pass, and "Goddamn it! Seriously, HDW. They are killing me!!", how The Smirker better not win, how he shouldn't at all come to this reception last night, and how (and this is direct quote), "I'm not playing this game ANYMORE!! And do you want to know why? Because it RUINS my Sundays! My whole Sunday goes to SHIT!"

I asked him if he was going to take his "fantasy football and go home then".

Here is my plan for next year:

I will kick The Smirker in the balls when he comes calling next year and asks my husband to play this game. Square in the nuts. No problem-o. I will take their stupid fantasy scouting reports and shove them up their fantasy butts. I wonder if in their fantasy world of football, do they have fantasy girlfriends as well? I hope they are kicking their asses, too.

Edit:

Phone call at the present:

HDH: I told The Smirker that we could host a party here in January for play-off's in fantasy football.
HDW: Okay.
HDH. Well, I mean, I've had a good time other than my whining.
HDW: Uh-huh.
HDH: The Smirker asked if you would be okay with this party and I said, "of course! My wife loves watching me in misery." (insert long rant here about Steven Jackson, Jesus Christ, you know, OH NO, now we get personal and screw me over ...)