As a follow-up to what ElHeffe's friend has masterbated with (other than WD-40 - and trust me, this isn't ElHeffe - I know the guy that's done this shit):

It's called "Slew Mud". It's this really nasty, black mud that you find near ponds and lakes for example.

Me: So, what else has he whacked it with? Inquiring minds need to know.
ElHeffe: Oh man. Well, once he whacked it with slew mud.
Me: Hedidnot!
EH: Sure as shit. And I couldn't believe it when he told me. I guess he really had to do it or somethin'.
Me: SPIT! WHY IN THE HELL DOESN'T HE JUST USE SPIT!!!
EH: I don't know, but I told him - I said, "Man! There are BUGS and things that BITE in that mud!! And you're putting that on your dick?". It has to be burnt off and calloused and nasty by now.
Me: .... silence .....
EH: But, I guess PigEyes must not care. She's so ugly and stupid she wouldn't know what a dirty dick looked like. I hate PigEyes.

PigEyes is a whole other story.

But I ask you ... what name can I give this friend? I can't think of a single one tonight.