(Today's post brought to you by a very sleepy Fyrchk)

Previously on Green Apple Martini's:
As we start up the stairs we hear more singing and giggling and when we get to the top of the stairs we find Fyrchk...

…having wild, freak-nasty sex with Matthew McConaughey!

No? Too unbelievable? Yeah, I thought that might be stretching it a bit.

Seriously though, I’m not crazy. Do they think they are super-stealth? They are about as quiet as 100 inmates in a rec yard with a naked woman walking by.

*BUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPP*

See what I mean? Laurie’s loud ass self. And Damian walking into shit because he is winking at Fresh.

If they keep following me upstairs, I might be able to lock them into a room while I call the police. I’m pretty sure they are here to try to get me to join whatever fucking cult they have started that wears tutu’s. Obviously Laurie is the leader since she’s wearing a cape and has a scepter of some sort. Wait, that’s a rolled up JET magazine. Bless her heart.

Closer…closer….we’re almost to the room. They are so close I can smell the Doritos and some kind of moisturizer. They are downright sneaky as to how they lure people in. Kudos to them. But, I’M not falling for that shit!

Wastin’ away again in Margaritaville…oh, cell phone’s ringing. Maybe the police have followed them here and they want me to know that they have my back.

Nope, it’s HDW.

Me: “Hello?”
HDW: “Hey FyrMama! How is everything going? Did you show them their presents from me?”
Me: “Uh, no. I think there’s a problem. They’re dressed in..uh…tutu’s. And I think they might be trying to poison my Kool-Aid. You know, like Jim Jones and shit.”
HDW: “Get real. First of all, you KNOW it would be Tang. And knowing them, they think they are dressed appropriately. Especially Damian.”
Me: “HDW, you have to help me! Call the cops. I’m scared for my life. I’m luring them to HDToddler’s room where they can be entertained and I can keep them til the cops show.”
HDW: “FYR! YOU ARE NOT CALLING THE COPS! YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE THEM THE STUFF I LEFT!”
Me: “But Mama………the tutu’s……”
HDW: “No ‘buts’ about it Missy. You will do it! And find Damian some pants. No one should have to see that.”
Me: *sigh* “Ok.”

As I close my phone, I turn back to the Three Stooges. They all freeze and look away. This must be the “I can’t see you, so you can’t see me” mentality.

Dumbasses.

How did HDW meet these people? Oh wait…nevermind.

“Look guys. I know you are following me. We might as well get this over with. HDW left you some presents and she wants me to give them to you.”

Laurie started swinging her JET wildly and screaming “ARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!” Damian is pirouetting while Fresh claps in time.

Yeah, HE’S manly. Oy God.

“Damian, here’s your Ron Popeil Bacon-o-Matic. May you use it wisely and gluttonously. (I MAKE UP WORDS PEOPLE. SHUT THE FUCK UP!) And a lifetime supply of bacon. And put these pants on. I found them in HDHusband’s closet.”

No response from Damian as he is drooling and passed out in a grease coma.

“Fresh, she left you a box of ruffled panties and Mary Jane’s in black, red, white, purple, pink, and blue. And a brand new stove. Get to cooking woman. But first change into the panties and Mary Jane’s.”

Fresh is the fastest undresser I’ve ever seen. Tutu all a-flyin’ and shit. Nice ummmmmm boobies. Must look away…must look away….

“Laurie, she was tired of you taping McDonald’s cardboard patches to your head, so here’s a bedazzled eye-patch. Look at the little skull and cross-bones. Aren’t they cute? And look at this beautiful display case for your shanks! You are going to be the classiest white-trash pirate in Arizona!”

“STOP HITTING DAMIAN! DAMMIT! THAT’S WHY YOU DIDN’T GET THE PEG-LEG! I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE TO REMOVE IT FROM HIS ASS!!!!”

Jesus. This is the shit I deal with.

I have to go. My present is Matthew McConaughey and I have lots of plans.

Smooches!

Stay tuned for one more guest post on Monday from Howard. Then we are DONE here people. We'll give it back to HDW and let her entertain you.

We miss you Mama! Hurry home!