Today's post is brought to you from the future as told to Howard by Melissa, HDW's teenage daughter:

God! I so hate my bio-parents! You wouldn't believe what I had to do to stay home while they went on their vacation to tropical Greenland ... again! Gaaa, tanning is so history. Has she ever heard of cancer?! I mean, she downloads enough Oxygen Life to know. There's like no ozone stuff anymore. Everyone has white, alabaster skin now, but no, she has to look like the inside of a cow. It's so embarrassing. My brother has it so good being in college and asleep for a year to earn his degree.

And why did they lock out the codes to the security cameras? I mean, it's not like I can throw a party with the old crone next door who's into everyone's business. She is so scary and she totally grosses me out talking about how great her dead husband was and how she's now a lifetime member of the stupid country club. I mean, NO ONE joins those anymore. She actually golfs and only poor people golf. Anyone who is anyone has already joined a cyberclique on MySpace. Gaaa! Everyone knows that conformity is the new exclusivity. Geez!

Oh, and then Mom totally embarrassed me at my weekly movie enclave. We were watching like the billionth version of Freaky Friday with Dakota Fanning playing the mom and Apple Martin (she's so cute; but her brother, Moses, is dreamy!) playing the daughter and they like switched places and stuff? I would never, never, never, never, never want that to happen to me. Then I'd be all like, "C'mon dear, this is really cool and super fresh. I'm going to show you how to water the plants on the front porch correctly unlike that female dog next door." And then she waters them. She is so dumb! I mean... they're HOLOGRAPHIC PLANTS! Hellooooo. But she is all about tradition and stuff. She insists on eating still

My BBF, Aipotu -- Her name is SO cool. It's utopia spelled backwards. Unlike my name. Gaaa, I hate Melissa, but they totally named me after some blog story that her friend Howard wrote because he saved her life. If I have to hear THAT story one more time.... Anyway, Aipotu and I are going down to the Implant Parlor and getting iPod cerebral implants. We've been hacking cyber credits out of our mom's accounts and saving up. I mean, EVERYONE has one and it's so much better than walking around with those headphone things on your head. Mom HATES implants and keeps saying, "If you were supposed to hear music in your brain then you would have been born with an antenna sticking out of your head". I totally had to go look up "antenna" on Googlipedia to see what the heck she was talking about. It's boring, so don't ask. At least I don't splice like that total nanobrain, Agnes, the so- called "coolest" girl in school. I heard that she actually spliced chameleon gene so that she really could French kiss Millard from across the room! Ew!

Well, Aipotu is here and we're getting a giggly and stuff but not on sugar since that's been banned. I have to say one thing about mom - I'm really glad she turned this blog over to me. I hate to admit it but it is kinda fun if soooo old fashion although I don't know what a martini is. No one drinks alcohol anymore unless they are homeless loser or an improv comedian.

...I hope the implant scar heals before they get back. Don't tell!

Tootles!