An Open Letter To The Crazy-Ex Girlfriend:

Wow. How can it be?? I looked at the calendar today, I realized .. "Hey!! It's the SIX YEAR anniversary of my husband kicking your ex-girlfriend ass to the curb!". Time really flies when you're stalking the shit out of him and his family.

It's time to look back on all the shit you've put us through. Yes! It's time to acknowledge the crazy that is YOU. And honey, how you are!

Remember when he broke up with you? Remember how he said you should take whatever you thought was yours from HIS apartment (clothes, etc) and get out? Instead, you took his CD's and lifted HIS BEDSIDE TABLE LAMP? Makes total sense. No, really!

I was a friend of his. I wasn’t a "naked friend", either. So, when he dumped your stupid ass, I didn't even KNOW about it for a good month. Or more!! This idea you have that we were doing it and how he was already with me during that time is just plain silly. But, apparently, it's hard to take responsibility for the shit you've done and the problems you've created in your own relationship. Obviously.

When HDH and I began dating - and when you found out a month later - you went off the rails nuts, honey. I was younger, prettier, skinnier, and by far, a nicer person. Truly. I know it must have been hard realizing you had only 19 months DATING this guy. I know you wanted a ring. I know you wanted a house.

You should have considered doing things differently ... like:

1. Treating people without degrees or lesser degrees than yours like human beings
2. Not losing your shit on the woman at the United ticket counter because YOU left your ID at your house
3. Not jumping across the counter in a fit of anger because YOU fucked around too long at the mall and the B&B gave up your room to someone else
4. Forgetting that being NICE to people really gets you places
5. Flushing the potty (which still puzzles me - that's just good common sense!! Flushing! It's your friend!)

I'm still amazed that you are around all these years later. Making peace with things isn't one of your strong suits.

Some of your more famous moments:

You've sent emails describing how awful I look and how stupid I am. (something about not having 'two neurons to rub together'? Yah, KLASSY)

You've followed him around the health club and professed your undying love, and how you really would only consider 'making a baby' with him. (next time, don't swallow, honey)

You've called and hung up. A lot. (my favorite was the time I heard the noises of the Operating Room in the background)

You called our home ON THE DAY WE GOT HOME WITH OUR NEW BABY BOY and claimed we'd call YOU? (You are the last person I would ever think to prank the day I got home with my son!! Do not flatter yourself!))

You quit a job and moved to the hospital he works at to be CLOSER to him (and no, HDH, I don't buy the "she hated trauma" crap. She wanted to piss you off, and make sure you didn't forget her. Duh!)

You've sent emails making fun of our age difference.

You've sent emails to your friends, copying my husband in, and sharing about your recent love affairs and how they are going bad. (and speaking of your 'friends', you must have not real girlfriends. I can tell you if I was brooding over a lost love and doing all of this shit, I can name three friends off the top of my head that would kick my ass)



We blocked your email for about three years. The last straw? A random email to your family, friends and two ex-boyfriends about how you were wishing you could be with them for Thanksgiving. Among my favorite lines was, "To somnabulate to every Thanksgiving morning like a Balzac character". (Really. Who talks this way?)

Only because of work-related crap are you now allowed again to email. So far, you've asked for money for a donation to the cancer ride (you still fell very short of that 15k goal, hitting 70 bucks - nice work!!).

And now ... you've emailed my husband AGAIN this past weekend.

And for what?

You asked him for a book title you could have found yourself on Barnes and Noble dot com had you used that degree for more than belittling.

You also told him how you 'dance and sing' in your living room to the sounds of India.Arie, and how she covers 'one of your fav songs', "The Heart of the Matter" by Don Henley (although you said by the Eagles, but that's because you suck, of course).

My husband says he doesn't speak "crazy", so he doesn't get the point here. The whole album is about break-up's, forgiveness, moving on. It was subtle, but not lost on me,. I wish I believed you. I wish that this was real and true. I don't believe you.

Here's the thing ...

I am his WIFE. We have been married now for almost five years!! FIVE! I have been in the trenches with him a lot longer than you ever did. I know him better than you. I care for him deeper than you. I am the mother of his child. I am the woman he calls WIFE.

Please.
GO AWAY.
Take the words of that song you quoted and BELIEVE THEM finally after SEVEN YEARS.
Take them to heart.

Learn what it means to LET GO.

Sincerely, Best Wishes, and Fuck Off,
The Woman That Has Put Up With You For Too Fucking Long