Last night, HDH was reading The Bug a book about sharks.

They came across a page that described how dogfish are hatched from eggs. My husband took it upon himself to explain to our three-year-old at that moment that our son actually came from my belly. He ran down the hall, yelling to me something that sounded like, "HOLY SHIT I AM GOING TO NEED THERAPY FOR THIS ONE MOM!" or something like that.

After settling down (not really), he patted my tummy, cocked his little head to the side and said, "Momma, you got baby SHARKS in your tummy??".

Way to go, Daddy. Waaaaaaaaaaaay to go.

Labels: hdh-isms, the bug

Sunday, a few hours ago:

Me: What should we do for dinner tonight?

Him: Leftovers.

Me: What leftovers?

Him: The chinese food.

Me: We got that on Tuesday. It's not any good.

Him: I had it for lunch. It's fine.

Now, here's the thing ...

I'm not the biggest fan of leftovers in general. I will usually eat them the day after, maaaaaaaaaaybe two days. But almost a WEEK later? No. Thank. You.

HDHusband says it's fine.
I say it's not fine.
Dark Damian says, "That's fine if he wants a party with Sam & Ella later".

Your thoughts?

Labels: dark damian, hdh-isms, icky sicky

People often ask how HDH and I met. A very long story short, I knew of him while working at the hospital. One of my girlfriends thought he was pretty cute, mentioned this, and I happened to run across him at the salad bar once. Smiled, grabbed my extra croutons, and left.

Months went by, and I landed a temporary job in his office. Again, not really interested in him 'like that'. I had a boyfriend. He had a girlfriend (read: pyscho crazy woman). I didn't do much work at all for him, but occasionally became victim to some of his shit.

Examples:

HDH would just leave various 'samples' of blood clots in jar on your desk. You'd come back from lunch, and a clot would be staring back at you.

HDH had a thing for interesting world music, so he'd leave CD's here and there for me to listen to (I thought it was cool then, but after listening to Pakistani chant music non-stop during the last six years, it gets to a person).

HDH would tell you a story ... about ANYTHING ... and have to make reference to sports, war or a random movie you'd never seen (Dead Ringers, for instance). And he STILL does this .... only now, after six years together, I interject with "GET TO THE POINT!!".

This evening, we are driving to one of our favorite Mexican food places in town. As we pass a movie theater in that area, he makes mention of seeing Blair Witch Project there with Psycho ExGirlfriend (don't know about her? read about her right here)

And this prompts a memory from HDH I'd almost forgotten ...

When I worked in that office, there happened to be an escaped crazy man on the loose. He'd busted out of the officer's control and had decided to disappear in our building. The odds of him being around where I was was slim, but if you know me at all, you know my luck really fucking sucks.

The office manager called and asked HDH to PLEASE stay in the office with me, that she wanted doors locked and us to hang out until there was an all-clear.

Well, being the complete and total gentleman my husband (now) is(n't), he left to take a piss, probably. So, I'm sitting in the office, hearing nothing out in the halls because EVERYONE IS ON LOCKDOWN, thinking, "Crap, that guy is somewhere close and I have no one in here with me!"

More than a few minutes go by, and finally there is this eerie sounding 'thunk thunk' at the door. A pause. Followed by a man's voice saying, "Jooooooooooooooooooosssssssssssssssssssh!".

Fucking HDH.

He'd just seen Blair Witch and thought it'd be great to use that line while I pissed myself in the office. Had I known what I know now, I would have hauled my size 9's up and scissorkicked him in the balls.

But this is my husband. I married a smartass.

Eh.

I guess he did, too.

And for the record: A long, long time passed before HDH asked me to dinner. I hadn't been working in that office for a while. He had long since dumped Pyscho for not flushing the potty and being, generally, a nasty human being, and I'd been dumped by my boyfriend for not knowing enough important people in the city.

I should have introduced them ....

Labels: hdh-isms, memories

HDW: Right. You are kind of a puss.

Labels: gin and tonic, hdh-isms, weekend

HDHusband: Hey, would you update your blog for chrissakes!!

Me: I have nothing to say.

HDHusband: Why don't you put up one of the asshole comments I've made lately?

Me: Which one?

HDHusband: I don't know, pick one!! I only make them every five fucking minutes.

(five minutes later, HDHusband appears behind me post-working out)

Me: OH MY GOD! You are RIPE! Go take a shower.

HDH: In the Animal Kingdom, that is called chemoattractant.

Me: Well, I am certainly not attracted!! (with my shirt over my face, by the way)

HDH: Well, if we were baboons, you'd be sniffing my butt by now. THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT!!

Me: God, you are an odd duck. Sorry, BABOON.

(Note: Love Thursday will be back, I promise. I'm waiting for inspiration ...)

Labels: hdh-isms

Meh.

Today, I got word that my uncle was taken Flight For Life into a local hospital with congestive heart failure, fluid and blood clots in his lungs, among a few other problems. He hasn't taken the best care of himself, but conversely, this is still the best connection I really have to my dad (who has been gone for twelve years). I will be the first to admit that the news really shook me up. I had a chance to meet up with my grandparents and my aunt at a place up the road (prompting one of the funniest exchanges I've heard between them in a long while), and the intent of visiting my uncle on Friday morning when he is allowed visitors.

Tonight, I was having the discussion with my husband about my absolute fear of losing the men in my life. My mother lost her grandfather, brother and husband in a short amount of time. I've lost my closest grandfather and another man that was just like family to me. I told him I had sworn after my dad died that I wouldn't get married, or stay with anyone too long. I didn't want to lose anyone else.

HDH: You really felt that way?

HDW: Yes, I did. If you don't answer me right away, I am afraid you have had a heart attack somewhere and died. I can't not think that way. I've been preprogrammed after losing people I love.

HDH: I take good care of myself.

HDW: So did my dad.

HDH: Well, let's be realistic, shall we? If I'm going to die, it's not because I haven't taken care of myself. It's going to be because I've pissed you off enough that you "take care of the problem" and feed me to the fish. I'm just saying, HDW, that that's far more likely.

HDW: And you have a point. A good one.

Labels: family, hdh-isms

Labels: back in the day, hdh-isms, might've had too many martinis

Oh fuckmesideways, I had the funniest conversation with my husband tonight. We are coming back from dinner, I am a wee bit schnockered on margaritas, and he's sober. Even funnier, really.

We were discussing my new trainer at the health club, and then (somehow, God only KNOWS how) began discussing my husband seeing a certain (male) neighbor at the health club, sans clothes, in the locker room.

HotDoctorHusband: And you know, that's not a good naked.

HotDoctorWife: It doesn't really matter. I've been with a lot of guys that weren't 'good naked' - it's not that important in bed.

HDH: Jesus Christ, what do you MEAN it's not important?

HDW: I've been with ONE GUY who had a rock hard ass.....

HDH: ..................... WELL, THANK YOU!!

(commence HDW laughing hysterically)

HDW: It wasn't YOU!!! (still laughing)

HDH: BULLSHIT!! Underneath this buttah is ALL granite, babeeeeeeeeee!

HDW: (insert - no pun intended - long drawn out story about football player from college who I did nasty with coughtwicecough who had sculptured fucking Adonis ass, and ohmygod - I remember nothing but chisled ass, nothing about sex, but continue ...)

HDH: Well Jesus, man, now I feel inadequate.

HDW: What is the big deal?? The best sex I ever had wasn't even WITH The Great Butt Guy.

HDH: Well, that doesn't make ME feel any better.

HDW: What do you mean??

HDH: Well, I don't PRESUME to be the best sex you've ever had!

HDW: Oh my GOD!! (laughing more)

HDH: You gotta understand! I'm a sexual underachiever. I'm the slacker in the sack. I'm trying to be just GOOD ENOUGH sex.

Labels: hdh-isms

Like I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I've become a little more health-aware. Translation, when I went to put on a pair of jeans, they were too tight, and like hell is that shit going to happen.

I mentioned wanting to do cardio, but not the muscle building stuff (but hey, if that happens, then fine). My husband offered to ask one of the trainer's at our club if he'd be willing to work with me. The trainer agreed, my husband took his business card and gave it to me sometime last week. It's just been sitting there, staring back at me, ever since.

I don't like the health club. I used to go years ago and met with a trainer. She was nice, but I hated all things health club. Plus, this health club is full of all people I know from my husband's work. I wasn't the althetic girl in school. I don't do physical fitness. I'd rather be outside, walking and jogging.

But, I've hit a plateau and I need help.

Every time my husband has gone to the health club this past week, The Trainer would say, "Your wife hasn't called me yet".

Finally, last night, The Trainer said, "I could just call her if that's easier ..." , to which my husband so dutifully replied:

"No. You don't want to do that, TRUST ME. When my wife is ready, she will call. She hates the health club. You need to let her make the first move. Just like if you see a squirrel in the park and you want to feed it. You don't go all gangbusters in and try and feed the squirrel. It will only scare that fucker off. If you want it to come to you, you must move slowly and make no sudden movements. She really, REALLY despises the health club.



So, bottom line: if you try to make my wife do something she doesn't want to do, it'll be like trying to get the Russians to give up Stalingrad. It ain't gonna happen. Let her call."

My first appointment is this afternoon at 3 pm. He said he'll check my flexibility. I told him that shouldn't take too long then ....
Wish me luck!

Labels: hdh-isms, health club, trainer

HotDoctorWife: What movie do you want to watch tonight?

HotDoctorHusband: What are our options?

HDW: We have ... either ... "The World's Fastest Indian" or "Fire", the movie about the lesbians in Pakistan.

HDH: Hmmm. How about we combine them both and call it, "The World's Fastest Lesbian?"

Labels: hdh-isms, movie night